Tuesday :: 21 December 2021

  • holiday.transition

    Seattle, WA 18 December 2021 :: iPhone 12 Pro Max :: f/2.4 1/30s :: ISO-1600

    Seattle, WA
    18 December 2021 :: iPhone 12 Pro Max :: f/2.4 1/30s :: ISO-1600

    Dear Stranger;

    I'm in that weird spot where I want to reflect on the year, but I also want to think about where I want to go (from a personal growth standpoint) next year. Maybe that'll be a good excuse to split the thought into two posts so for now, since this will likely be my last post for the year (25 posts? Seems like a nice number for a break), I think the biggest lesson I've learnt is to how to be more intentional and how to work on that healthy boundaries thing and to just be bad at things. Some of these boundaries are for myself, and some are for others, and learning how to negotiate for those–which has proven to be the most useful tool that I've been sharpening this year and it's brought me the most growth.

    A few things did catch me by surprise earlier in the year, and it was strange to take some time for myself to attend to those things, and for once, that whole concept of self care started to make sense in the way I feel I am meant to apply it for myself–defining what it looks like for me while keeping in mind that it can and will look different for others. I think spending time in others' visions and the toxicity that formed from disregarding mine in context had led me down a path of being unable to see how truths could exist in opposition–so this year I spent a lot of time with that concept. It's a little bit of an extension of those lessons I found within the show "In & Of Itself" because yes, it's still giving me gifts of insight years after the experience.

    Some of the things that have come out of this year's deep dive is learning how to advocate and negotiate for myself, understanding better what things are important to me in regards to friendship (and an even deeper appreciation and gratitude for the friendships that I have today), learning how to let go of things that are toxic, and to find ways to face the voices inside of me while helping others. None of these things I really anticipate will ever "end" per se, just parts of a perpetual journey of growth. The personal experiences and the work needed to get through some of these struggles has helped me appreciate some of the consequences that actions can have against someone, and how it can affect them over time, and to be more aware of how I am treating someone so that I can better apply the right amount and kind of kindness and also impart the proper defenses when needed–protect oneself enough to prevent harm, but don't over-defend so as to overcompensate and, as a result, create more harm than mitigate it.

    One of the more challenging things I've come across this year is to label my strengths and to take credit where it's due–and to receive the credit friends give instead of dismissing it outright (I had a bit a breakthrough moment toward the end of the year on this, thanks to a dear friend), and to gracefully take only what is deserved. That's still important to me, but having ways to better inform my friends what is not my work has been so helpful.

    Looking back on this year, I also helped 72 strangers over a time of 69 hours over 28 shifts, and saved the life of 1 stranger clear across the country–someone I will likely never meet–which I think makes it much more powerful. To flip this around: those 72 strangers with whom I've chatted over those 69 hours and 28 shifts have helped me battle a demon that's been telling me I am unkind, lacking empathy, and am extremely selfish. These strangers have helped me better understand how to more realistically frame the arguments and to better see what parts of me can truly be improved and what claims were simply not true.

    In the darkness that started the year came a lot of points of light (friends) that formed a constellation that helped me navigate through some challenging new life lessons and I look forward to taking where they've brought me and to continue flying the course onward to 2022 and seeing where it takes me beyond that.

    (This all made so much more sense in my head.)

    Thanks, stranger friend, for helping me out–whether I know you or not. Hope you're staying warm and safe out there and if I really don't post anything until the next year, I hope you have a most happy holiday season and a joyous ringing-in of the new year.

    Magically,
    -j